Exorcism of Miami Dade

An investigation into Miami Dade’s Soundcloud rapper infestation and how one, completely normal, 35 year old man is saving the youth, one instagram live debate at a time.

I'm blessed to have avoided Soundcloud rappers this long.

Here I was, raw dogging the internet, fearless of the consequences.

But now that I've been accosted with foil grills, face tats, and fruity vape smoke, I can truly appreciate my forgone innocence.

Sure, I knew of Tekashi69. (Is that how you even spell it?)

I mean, I saw a meme or two. They were funny. He's a snitch or something, looks like a cavity personified.

But thankfully, I never heard one of his songs.

In my privilege, I had remained unaware of the war being waged on the youthful minds.

Rappers with room temperature IQs mumble lines from Idiocracy. Saying, "I like money" a million different ways, and each time, over a different shitty beat.

The result, a sonic cocktail. Sounds that should have been banned by Geneva convention. And I'm sure they would have been, if world leaders had foreseen stupidity becoming a weaponized contagion.

Now young minds on instagram are routinely exposed to psychological attacks and subjected to warcrimes only rivaled by 9/11.

Why the FBI, CIA, INTERPOL, and LGBTQI+ haven't put together the entire alphabet to stop this domestic threat, is beyond me.

Though the warfare is rooted the digital realm, there is a possibility it could permeate into the physical world.

Our report revealed a loosely coordinated network of smooth brain rappers utilizing Instagram live, where they trade street addresses and publicly broadcast their plans to followers.

On numerous occasions, they have stated that they are "finna roll up...fuck yo bitch," and, of course, "pop yo ass, boi!"

But our in-house hood analysis returned an "ain't bout that life" rating.

Though we have been lucky to avoid physical altercations thus far, it has not spared us from the moral rot left in the wake this social media war.

Ground Zero: Miami Dade

Names have been changed to protect both the living and brain dead.

The photo posted above is of a presumably once normal girl, radicalized into a full fledged Thoddler(Thot+Toddler).

Upon our investigation into mumble rap terrorist cells, evidence was found that she had joined a growing list of casualties.

These Insta-follower lists read like a monument to those who have mentally passed on. A wall of names dedicated to those ensnared in propaganda espoused by dreadlocked artists with grill induced halitosis.

With legal authorities and father figures amiss, even an unremarkable white boy can rise through the ranks and become racially ambiguous.

This is Flyy Soulja. Some say he is from a caucasian origin, others speculate the possibility of ashkenazi roots. But what we know for sure, like most terrorist radicals, his father was never present.

With the legal authorities and men in his life refusing to intervene in any meaningful way, the power vacuum they left only fueled his recklessness and racial malleability.

Photographed Flyy Soulja (left) and his brother Red 4x (right)

Flyy Soulja identifies as Cuban now, and broadcasts his wild mood swings daily. One moment he a machismo gangsta that will "fuck yo bitch in fron' you," the next, he is a gay fashionista who doesn't want to share same color outfit as other girls.

His rule of Miami Dade is far from monolithic. He and other braindead warlords skirmish on Insta live daily. Exclusively verbal conflict, focusing on four points of power; money, bitches, looks, and "jerwlray."

Some have tried to introduce guns as a fifth point of focus, but they are either outed as fake or met with demands to, yet again, show a stack ill-gotten gains.

954Enzo, a previous ally of Flyy, has risen to become one of his fiercest rivals. While Enzo appears to be stupider than Flyy, he has ingeniously leveraged his massive deficiencies in intelligence for an overabundance in confidence.

954Enzo photographed on a rare occasion where he his wearing a shirt.

Enzo, like many of Mr.Flyy's rivals, seek to undermine his reputation and weaken the morale of even his most adamant followers. Some of the more notable attacks against Flyy include accusations that he works at a local vape shop, lives with his mom, and "ain't really bout that money..."

Souljia's camp had skillfully managed the these accusations, until Enzo released damning footage of the brothers frolicking with an alleged BB gun.

What was intended to be a fraternal thug photo-op, quickly backfired and steeped the brothers in rumors of incest and homosexual acts. Flyy soliciting young girls of nondescript age to be shared with his brother certainly didn't help the situation.

The fact Enzo was able to land this devastating blow was surprising to most. Especially, when the leaks he had previously endured would have put anyone else in a catatonic state.

Most notably, the leaked selfie where he lay nude with a carrot in his ass. This earned him the insta chat moniker, "🥕."

Here's @JokerGang, who along with other fullface tatted roommates outed Enzo on live. Enzo, with a straight face claims it is photoshop. Video Here.

In the mist of these allegations, Flyy did turn down a semi-passable tranny. Though some thought his reaction was "sus," others felt assured in his response.

Regardless, opps persisted and the daily struggle was beginning to take its toll. The constant pressure began to strain the relationship between him and his brother. The cracks were beginning to surface...

"Where am I supposed to eat now, Where?!...WHY?!," Flyy said to his brother. "Every time we come in dis bitch, don't you get me food?!"

Here, you can see the final moments where Flyy is "pressed" and argues with his brother for $10 he felt entitled too.

For some, this and a video of him only putting $5 in his gas tank was enough to prove that he had been misrepresenting his financial status.

As tensions rose, so did his volatile behavior. It all came to a head when he publicly bullied a girl on instagram live. What specific girl it was, we don't know, as he has committed many offenses of this nature. But this event put something into motion that no one could have predicted.

Birth Of A Hero

Pictured above, is a man colloquially referred to "Green Hat Guy." Insta fans graced him with the moniker due to his frequent sporting of a retro green Newport cap.

Not too much is known about Green Hat, or scope of his hat collection. But details are slowly emerging as he is becoming a regular on the scene.

Unlike other figures in the subculture, Green Hat doesn't pretend to rap. In fact, he doesn't even have a mixtape. Green Hat is just a normal, fully functioning 35 year old that works a full time job in sales, owns a 3 bedroom condo, and manages to speak in complete sentences.

His slightly above average rhetorical skills, matched with unintentional flex of having a girlfriend, makes him an overwhelming adversary for local fuckboy rappers.

After seeing Flyy Soulja publicly bully a girl on Instagram live, Green Hat was inspired to confront him. As fate would have it, Flyy accepted his request to join live chat, and the rest was history.

In under 10 minutes, Green Hat calmly had deconstructed Flyy's persona, all while nursing his laryngitis. It was a one sided verbal match, with Green winning, one hand behind his back.

Green Hat quickly proved, that he, a productive member of society had more money, better toys, a better house, and more confidence. Not to mention, he has a girlfriend, a real life woman, that he actually has sex with.

Flyy's entire facade hinges on how well he can feign indifference towards public opinion. But against Green Hat's genuine disregard, Flyy's desperation is palpable. His gangsta confidence spirals into a tantrums, and when facing someone with a real sense of self worth, Flyy's composure and image collapses.

A rapper that mutilated his face with tattoos, seeks social clout, and brags about money, was attacking Green's plain appearance, pretending not to care about his fleeting fanbase, and refusing to show his cash.

(Left) Hussain's Final Hideout (Right) Flyy's Current Living Situation.

While Flyy's live broadcast spiraled out of control, Green Hat was effortlessly winning over his fans from his Boca abode. A stark contrast to Flyy's manic breakdown streamed from the good corner of Saddam's rathole.

Flyy Soulja is certainly not the last of Green Hat's battles, as he has now excited a hive of local trap house creatures.

Green Hat has even turned some adversaries into allies, such as 954Enzo. Though starting off on the wrong foot, Enzo made peace with Green Hat. Treating the past like a carrot and keeping it firmly behind them.

Green Hat also befriended JokerGang, the group who outed Enzo's veggie kink. and he is currently on pace to win a Nobel Peace Prize and surpass Trump's 2020 peace deal record.

As Green Hat continues to exercise Miami Dade, Weed & Guns will be watching and cheering. Both for the salvation of Soundcloud goblins and return of a much needed father figure to Miami Dade.